Scrimshaw

 I overheard some folks laughing tonight. I didn't quite eavesdrop what they were saying but "Scrimshaw" was part of the punchline. That made me feel better about the dum dum state of the world. Maybe everything isn't totally dumbed down. Smart people are plentiful and quietly laughing at 18th century ivory carving anecdotes.

I just lost $5 and it feels great.

I spent it on video poker. I like going to the video place for my break. I'm not trying to win, I'm there for the ladies.

3 senior citizens who are there a lot.

Single-serving friends work for me. I like places where nobody knows me but we see each other every day. They call me "Big hat guy". I play only 1 cent so that gives me 500 spins to eavesdrop on them complaining about their deadbeat grown kids, freaking out when they win, making fun of husband's impotence and having naughty conversations sans the foul language.

They are a riot. Today they floored me. I ordered a huge hotdog and sat down at the "State sponsored gambling device". I made sure to face forward without acknowledging them for as long as possible. I'm friendly enough, i just don't want to contaminate the experiment.

The reaction didn't disappoint. Instantly one of them said, "Wow Big Hat Guy, that's a really nice weenie!"

she looked to her friend "Look at Big Hat Guy's hansom weenie Kate."

They both start cackling with laughter. Kate never looked away from the screen. The owners and clerks know me from the tv. Even though I ordered the smallest dog they give me the biggest one and then overload it with toppings. It was phallic looking.

It looked like a pizza with a penis. After gambling they planned to go get ice cream. I love seeing them have a second childhood together. Today was well worth the 5 spot. Someday I want to wait around until they lose their money and then give my ladies each a $500.

A couple just walked by having an intense argument.

A couple just walked by having an intense argument. This isn't out of the ordinary. The crazy part is that they are both extremely articulate so it sounds hilarious. They are griping about "what she said to his Mom" but they sound like they could be debating a thesis on laminar flow aquadynamics. Luckily they stopped in front of our house to volley points and say "what the other person should have said (to the Mom)." Their diction is so perfect that I can hear everything even though I'm a floor up with the windows closed. I had no idea that "K's and "P" punch through glass so wonderfully if deployed correctly. Lesson: Mumble it up if you don't want nosy clowns laughing at you and your Mom.

I can still eavesdrop when people are masked up.

  I was hidden in a screened porch puffing when a date night couple walked by. Her: Smell that? That's the smell of cocaine"

Him: "You mean weed."

Her: "You know I hate being corrected!"

She stormed off with him trailing and apologizing.

Heads up, if I am ever dim enough to confuse those two things, please let me know.

I very much like ganja but as far as powders go I'm not even a fan of aspirin.

Only the best for her man.

Helping someone move.
We stopped for gas, i ran in to pay. The woman
in front of me in line a was apparently gift shopping.
"It's my boyfriend's birthday. I wanna get him something nice.
...How much are those lighters?"
clerk
"99 cents but if you really want to impress him I have these here for a buck nineynine."
"OOOh!" she cried with her top knot bouncing up and down.
"Show me the expensive ones"
Luckily I had all day to wait for them to examine all the eagles, flags, pyramids, unicorns and beer themed lighters. Not!
Ok truth be told, after she split I also got a lighter (but a cheap one)
Couldn't resist the suggestion.

Just now in the grocery store...

Young lady speaking to companion:
"You may think I'm a sociopath for picking this kind of cheese but I can afford it this week."
Wow. Seems like pop psychology phrases have fully taken over our language.
I wonder what kind of cheese points to social anxiety disorder?

Olive: Did you fold all the laundry while I was out?"

Me: Better, I wired a mic by the street so we can hear people downstairs." Olive: Couldn't we do the same thing by simply opening the window?" Me: (starts folding laundry...while dreaming up the next intelligence gathering / target acquiring scheme.) #ClownOps